32 years old with a double bypass
by wade hughes
on 12/01/2013 i experienced a hot throat feeling with a severe cough. i didn't want to leave work just for a bad cough, so i stayed and tried to stick it out. when i collapsed in the driveway i called 911 and was rushed to west hills hospital where as soon as i got there everything went blank. my fiance, (who was my best friend since 12 yrs old), was there at the hospital. they informed her that i was seconds away from having a major heart attack and that i i needed to go into the operation room asap. i don't remember ever even getting out of the ambulance. when i woke up they were pulling a tube out of my throat. Tasha (my fiance) was there with 2 drs. she looked at me with a smile and said god gave me another chance. i was confused, and had no idea what was going on. when the dr told me i had open heart surgery i became irate and freaked out. they pumped me full of drugs and i was out. as i awoke the second time, Tasha was there alone with me. she kept me calm and said everything was going to be ok. i spent 4 days in the intensive care unit, then went upstairs for 2 days. it was a constant struggle. i wasn't able to urinate on my own, i couldn't walk, could barely talk, didn't want to eat, just wanted to be left alone. i cried the entire 6 days i was in the hospital . i was so depressed. all i could think was 32 yrs old and i had to have major heart surgery. i have been home about 4 days now and i feel so useless. I'm drinking through straws, cups are too heavy for me to lift, everything needs to be done for me. i hate this! i am the bread winner in my house. and as of right now we have no money coming in. Christmas is in a few weeks
and i feel like i ruined everyone's holidays. my mom is down staying with us for a few weeks, and my mother in law has now moved in with us also to help. 2 months ago Tasha and i decided to start a family. she got pregnant and by the 2 month mark we lost it. and now we are dealing with this. everything just seems to be going horribly wrong. Tasha makes me happier than i have ever been in my life, and i feel like right now I'm just a huge burden. she does everything for me, with no complaints at all. she loves me so much! i just feel like I'm a failure and i let her down. Her and her mom are the best. they are so positive and continue telling me how blessed i am to have survived this, and even though i know its true, i still cant get past the why did this happen to me, and what did i do to deserve this. last night as we laid in bed, we discussed trying to have a baby again once i am recovered. that made me happy. us having a family would make all of this seem worthwhile. however, it also makes me think what if. what if i have another heart attack, what if i don't live next time. what will her and our baby do? i guess as the days weeks and months pass things will get better, and maybe I'll be more positive. right now I'm just so negative and don't know how to shake it. i really need help. my thoughts are not stable, my mind wanders and depression continuously kicks in. what can i do? where can i turn for help? i have no money and no insurance. are there free classes or a call center? i feel so useless and really need to get out of this state of mind before it takes a toll on my relationship. thanks in advance for any and all advice.